Dear Son,


Hi love, I miss you so much already!!
You are sleeping next to me right now, I now. But I miss you, still. my happy pill! ❤

Do you know?
Mama couldn’t sleep early everynight these days. So, if mama not that fun or good enough lately, I’m so sorry.
I can’t stop thinking about things, son.
About the time that I have left to spend with you,
About the things that will happen to you if there’s no mama anymore in your life,
About your food, your needs, your health, everything! Oh my God, Allah..
I know I’m not supposed to be scared if I really have Iman Islam. Because it’s been written since I was born, the death time of mine.
But, Allah, Astagfirullah, I’m so sorry that I am that scared now, since I have my son. I was the one who hate drama person so much, but now I become one of them. I’m sorry.

Son, be good. Well, I know you will. In shaa Allah.
Mama love you SO MUCH!!!!! You know that, right? I hope you will love me too, forever.

Dear son,
May Allah blesses our time together with love, joy and happiness till the end of time.

Bride To Be; A Day To Wedding Day

I can’t sleep (again)..

It’s 03.00 a.m. here. I just awaken by a bad dream after three hours of sleep. The dream was so bad, I even too scared to think about it again.
Oh Lord, it was just a dream, wasn’t it???


Dear a day husband to be, I trust you.. I know you will make the best choice in every single thing you take, for our future children sake..
I trust you, love…

I’m sorry for always being scared of this marriage thing.. I’m sorry for always make you have to convince me with all of these things.. I’m so sorry…

Dear future children, you will read this post anytime in the future, I know.. Because mama ask your papa to leave it to you anytime I passed away after I have you, and if you are big enough to read and understand.

Baby, I love you since you have not born or even since you are haven’t here in my tummy. I love you since you are still here in my imagination. I love you since you are only a dream to me and your father. A dream that we really wish to be true.
I hope when you read it someday, you’ll read it with a smile because you love us too.. :’)

No secret to be kept here baby.. Soon or later, mama will write more for you..

I love you dear future husband and children of mine.. ❤

Dear Husband To Be; A Week To Wedding Day


The day is getting closer..

Baby, I’m affraid.. of lotta things.
My head is full, as always. Yes, it’s still.
We made it for almost ten months so far, with no break up, just some little and big fights.
It changed me quite much, our fights. I don’t like it, I want it no more in the future. We could talk, not fight. We could whisper, not shout.
We’ve made the promise. I know we could fullfil it.

Baby, this is weird.. my feeling.
I’m too affraid to expect, so I wish nothing but well.
I’m happy it’s all going really well so far, our wedding preparation. But baby, we will never know.
I’m sorry, for always be ready for the worst.
But baby, when it happened to be more than well, I’ll be the happiest of all.


Baby, don’t change.. I like it when you are so soft.
The way you talk, the way you touch, the way you see me, the way you make me feel, just like how I know you since eight years ago.
I know you’ll be a great husband of me.
I know you’ll be a great father of our children.
I know you will…



All I know, and all I learned about empathy so far since I was a kid until I got the class in university, is that when we have empathy for someone/anyone, we do something that can lift them up, because we understand how it feels to be in their situation.
Not to put ourself in the same situation. Because who will pull them up if we “jump” into the same “hole”?

Someone have to stay outside the hole, not to leave the people in the hole, but to help them get out of that freaking dark hole.
Well, CMIIW but that’s what I know.

We have empathy not to be in the same dark place and cry together over the situation.
We have empathy to help as an outcome. To be happy together as the final result.

We understand how it feels to be down, we try to help them up and share the feelings until the bad turns into the good or even the best.

That’s what I know..

I Miss You Even More


I’m getting married, to the man in the photo. In three weeks. I’ll be a wife. His wife. :)

I never knew that someone’s life could change in a blink of an eye, especially mine. Until Lord changed my feeling for him like in a minute, and so everything in my life also changing in a row. I never knew, in less than a year, my brother last year could be my husband to be today.
Now I know, I never knew anything before.

I never love him, even for a little, in our first seven years knowing each other (eight years ago). But he loves me since the first month we met, and never stop.
He loves me eight years already. No one ever waiting for me for seven years before. No one deserve my love more than my love for him right now.
If it was a race, he’s the winner. Maybe he’s not the fastest, but he’s the only one who finished the race.

A year ago, I thought next year (this year) my life would be pretty much the same. Driving alone, going to a coffee shop by myself, go to the cinema for one ticket, and still have no idea about who my next boyfriend is.
Boyfriend not husband, because I thought that I’ll marry a stranger, so “we” have to have few years to getting know each other well, at least.
And, last year, I still think about getting married when I’m 30. Who knows that the only person who could changed it all is the man who never could make me love him back for seven years?? Maybe if Albert Einstein still alive, he’ll knows.

He loves me. He tries everything to make me happy. He is a good fiancé now, and I know he will be a great husband of me then, and the greatest father of our future children.. Aamiin..

Please read it to my babies one day, when their Mama not anymore with them in this world.
My blog is a legacy. As I write everything based on my true story, I hope they will understand how to love their complicated Mama (in their memories), and their loving Papa especially.
No matter what, we love you, kiddos!!!! ❤

With All Do Respect

Have you ever had a HUGE question mark in your head that you’ve tried to find the answer but you never get?
I had it for a quite long time. Years? I guess it’s already.

Yes, been years since I had this question “Why?” in my head. About someone, something that he did, something that I don’t understand “Why?”. Today, when I just need to wipe it away from my head, I tried to find not an answer anymore, but a reason to finally could wipe it out away from anywhere in my head.
You know what? As easy as 1 2 3, Lord be with me. Thank God!

You know sometimes you just don’t understand how could people moving backward when they are moving forward at the same time? I know it’s pretty confusing, but it happened anyway. And, I don’t respect that by the way.

Now, I’m done. Finally. After all these time I never want to know (well, I still don’t), but then I never could find my boldest reason to stop him if I don’t, today I know and I found it. And, hopefully it will stop everything. Please?

I’m tired moving from one blog to another, honestly. So, I will write here, still. No matter what, just like I wrote before in my former post, I won’t runaway anymore. You could read, you could write me, you could do anything. But in order to respect your present and your future, forgive me I won’t answer. I’m doing well and I know you too. So please, just disappear just like I did and I always will.

For I really do respect yours, I really hope that you can do to mine too.

Thank you! :)