A Week To Know

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A day feels like a week, a week feels like a month to me now..

Waiting for the time to be able to see my (hopefully) baby to be in my tummy again. Three weeks already now, and still a week more to go. It feels like I’ve been waiting for a year.
I always hate waiting. But this time, I hate it much much more.
I want to see my baby..

I’ve been ill these days. Sneeze and cough a lot. Worry but also too scared to see the doctor earlier than the schedule. It still flat, my tummy. Yes, I’m scared, too scared. Too scared that it isn’t there, my baby.

I never been this scared before…

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Dear little love, see you in a week..

Bride To Be; A Day To Wedding Day

I can’t sleep (again)..

It’s 03.00 a.m. here. I just awaken by a bad dream after three hours of sleep. The dream was so bad, I even too scared to think about it again.
Oh Lord, it was just a dream, wasn’t it???

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Dear a day husband to be, I trust you.. I know you will make the best choice in every single thing you take, for our future children sake..
I trust you, love…

I’m sorry for always being scared of this marriage thing.. I’m sorry for always make you have to convince me with all of these things.. I’m so sorry…

Dear future children, you will read this post anytime in the future, I know.. Because mama ask your papa to leave it to you anytime I passed away after I have you, and if you are big enough to read and understand.

Baby, I love you since you have not born or even since you are haven’t here in my tummy. I love you since you are still here in my imagination. I love you since you are only a dream to me and your father. A dream that we really wish to be true.
I hope when you read it someday, you’ll read it with a smile because you love us too.. :’)

No secret to be kept here baby.. Soon or later, mama will write more for you..

I love you dear future husband and children of mine.. ❤

Dear Husband To Be; A Week To Wedding Day

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The day is getting closer..

Baby, I’m affraid.. of lotta things.
My head is full, as always. Yes, it’s still.
We made it for almost ten months so far, with no break up, just some little and big fights.
It changed me quite much, our fights. I don’t like it, I want it no more in the future. We could talk, not fight. We could whisper, not shout.
We’ve made the promise. I know we could fullfil it.

Baby, this is weird.. my feeling.
I’m too affraid to expect, so I wish nothing but well.
I’m happy it’s all going really well so far, our wedding preparation. But baby, we will never know.
I’m sorry, for always be ready for the worst.
But baby, when it happened to be more than well, I’ll be the happiest of all.

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Baby, don’t change.. I like it when you are so soft.
The way you talk, the way you touch, the way you see me, the way you make me feel, just like how I know you since eight years ago.
I know you’ll be a great husband of me.
I know you’ll be a great father of our children.
I know you will…

Bride To Be; The Therapy

I feel numb, I need a therapy.

Lately I’m lost.
Honestly?
This is not easy.

You know I used to not believe in love, right?
And now I’m getting married!!!
OH MY GOD! Really?!?
I have to admit, I’m scared. Really really scared.

Not that I don’t believe in my fiancé’s love, but… is that really love what he feels for me? Is he sure about it? How about what I feel for him? Is it? Will it last forever in me and him??
I’m scared! Totally scared!
I believe in him, I just used to not believe in love.

The difference now is, I used to not believe in love and didn’t care about it also. I used to think about marriage and didn’t really care about the existence of the love it self. But now, I do care about it! So much! I don’t wanna get married without love in it. True love what I’m talking about!

Oh my God! I’m panic, I am! I know I am! And that is why I’m writing here right now, and almost everyday these days. This is my therapy. I write as a therapy..

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I’ll make it. I know I will..
He loves me, and I love him.
We’ll make it. I know we will…
(I whisper it everyday in my heart)

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Dear Fear, Stay Far.

Seems brave enough, tough enough, strong enough, independent enough as a woman, people see me. I know.
They just don’t know me as a whole. They only see what I want them to see.

Now let me tell you something..

I’m not that strong..
I have a fear..
I’m not that independent..
on love.

Love is my weakness.
I was affraid of love.
Years ago, I trapped in that fear.
People are right if they think I fear of nothing.
I do fear of nothing, but love.

Now I’m engaged. Do I still feel that fear? I do.
I just stay a little bit far. Try to ignore it sometimes. But it still comes over me all the time.

I won’t let you win, fear. I also won’t let you go.
You keep me awake. You keep me aware.
Just stay, but far. Far away.

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Dear God,

Bandung, Sunday, June 8th 2014.

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Have you ever scared of your own feeling? When something happened in your heart but you are too afraid to admit it?
Well, it’s not my first time.

I never plan to fall in love. I guess no one ever. But some people are just so ready, then it would be a good surprise for them when it’s coming. For me? I still don’t understand.

It’s been a while since I had this kind of feeling. Weird. I forgot how to react. Comfort in my heart but not in my head. Overthinking, as always.

Sometimes I wanna get out of my body and scream at it so loud. Super loud, so it can realize how stupid it is to keep the fear inside. I wanna be free. Free to follow my feeling deep in my heart, without those monsters in my head. Fearless.

I keep talking to God, looking for the answer. I need it. I can’t see the path clearly now. I need a guide. I need You, God.