As Sweet As It Looks

So many people think that my life is always sweet and smooth all the time. Well, not so wrong, but not so true too. I live a normal life. There are ups and downs here and there. But, I try not to expose the “bad time” and grateful for the good ones. That’s why it seems smooth to some people, I guess.

My life has changed, 180° since my baby was born.

Day and night feels not much different now.
No more night to morning sleep.
No more long bath time.
No more driving.
No more me time.
No more (a[lone)ly] day.

I used to be a “solo” person for years before I got married to my husband. I did almost everything by myself. Driving, shopping, anything. And I enjoyed it, so much.

This motherhood flipped it all out. My life, my daily routine, my personality even. To a better way. But I should say also a harder way. Yes, it is.

This “double” thing is hard when it comes to a personal feeling. No matter what, I still feel tired, or boring and sad, sometime. Just like any other normal human being. Especially when I feel unbalanced.

A mother do overthinking, all the time. And that’s why I feel need to be loved more than ever before. To keep me balance. To keep me sane. To keep the stress away. Because that stress monster is somehow live so near to my head nowadays.

I don’t talk about my son here. And it’s not about motherhood (only) too. It’s about me as a personal, as a wife and a mama, all in one. It’s about process. A beautiful complicated process.

image

Well, I’d be a pineapple. No matter how hard life is, it’s more the sweet than the sour after all. Allah is with me. That’s all I need as the strongest power source. Insha Allah. 💛

And, yes, my life is sweet. As sweet as it looks.

To My Husband,

image

I just want you to read it (the pic) someday. So you will understand why I love you so much.

Friday, November 17, 2017. 11:20 p.m.

Dear working hubby,

Thank you for the sleepless nights because of taking care of me when I’m sick these days,
For the hugs even when I’m hot like an oven, you said
For taking care of our son also,
And for working hard outta home for us as well, still.

I have no reason not to love you, even after that b(a)dtime story you told me before. (Too funny not to mention it)

Thank you for everything, love. Be home soon. Your wife and son missing you badly! ❤

Motherhood

02:06 a.m. Bedroom as usual.

I slept already for some minutes/hours before. Awakened by my son, as usual. Moved to his bed with a super sleepy body and soul, gave him milk time, tried to sleep with him but got interrupted here and there by his “act”, until the sleepy feeling is gone. Yes, so here I am now, writing it, as usual. As usual. As usual. As usual.

image

The art of motherhood, right? :)

I already back in my bed. Try to find a way to sleep again. Not only because I want it, but because I need it more than I want it right now.

I am a mother now. I need to sleep, so I can be a mother again tomorrow. Not just a mother, but a good mother. Hopefully.

image

I am a mother, so I think I already brave enough, right?
I love my son more than myself, so I hope I am special enough for him.
And, I really need to sleep now. Because I have to be strong to raise my son. No, I’m joking. Not funny, huh? So, that’s why I need to sleep now, I’m sure.

I am tired. But I don’t want to be a tired mama when my son is awake.

image

I will sleep. And I will wake up happy, healthy and strong this morning when you wake up, son. See you this morning, love.

Silent Regret

01:29 a.m. in my bedroom, as usual.

I can’t sleep. Feeling sorry, by being a “preachy mama” to my son these days.
I don’t know if it’s because of my period, or it’s just me being mean. Oh son, I’m so sorry. 💔

Shed a tear by feeling sorry, now I can only kiss and apologize to my sleeping baby. And promise him not to do that anymore. I will try my best, son. I promise.

image

Di, I love you, son. So much! With all my heart.
Mama will do anything to be a better person and the best mom for you, every single day. Bear with me, son. I will do my best. Insha Allah.

Love,
Mama.

Alhamdulillah

image

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah, Ya Allah..

1:02 a.m. here in my bedroom now. Laying on my bed with my boys sleeping next to me. Lights and TV off. Only a dim light from the outside and a soft sound of AC that bring a little “life” here around me. I like it.

I have always like dark and silence, as I remember. It brings some peace to my mind and soul. That is why I used to do so much things all alone, years ago. To stay focus, and “sane”.

Nowadays, here is the way.
Steal some time in the middle of the night to catch the dark, and meet my little talker in my head to have some “chat”. Wondering this and that. About future decision and stuffs.

But what I realized just now, that I am more to opening my photo albums in my phone, remembering these days situation with my family and smiling over it, most of the time. Which means, I have not much things to think about too much now, and no need to try hard to be focus and sane, because I am happy, focus and sane enough here today? YES, I’m sure!!

Here I came to my conclusion, that this is what I needed. Allah gave me this, instead of what I ever wanted before, because this is what I needed. Alhamdulillah. I am the happiest me in my life now. Thank You, Allah. ❤

1:52 a.m.
Pillow time..

I Miss You..

I meet you everyday, sleep in the same bed every single night, text each other everytime we’re apart, still I miss you all the time.

image

You know what, love? Everyday, I keep telling myself about this. About how fast the time flies, and soon enough we’ll have enough time to spend more quality time together again, you and I.

I love this parenthood life, really. And having you as the partner, make it more special to me. But then, it’s not about it. It’s not about “us today” why I’m missing you.

image

image

I miss you, just because I MISS YOU, dear silly life partner! ❤