Me Time

12:32 a.m. in my bedroom now. Dark and quite as usual. Having a snack only for myself, since my babyloves (husband and son) are sleeping already few hours ago.

I consider it as my Me Time. I didn’t take my dinner last night, but snacking like a Dino this time. I don’t care! I’m skinny anyway!

But, I care! Not about being fat! But about being sleepless and not being an energetic Mama for my son tomorrow!

I cannot sleep, and I’m overthinking about it, and it makes me cannot sleep more! I should stop. No, I should sleep!

Yes, my head is full. Too full, lately. Too much things to think about. Overthinking! I need to stop.

Oh, Allah! Forgive me..

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I have to sleep.

Dear head, be kind!

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30

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January 7, 2018, I turned 30.

Alhamdulillah, thank You Allah, I feel fully blessed in this age already. I got everything I need, and almost everything I want.

I have my parents, my sister and brother in law, my husband and son. I have them, so I have everything!

But, only if I could have a wish to be granted by Allah, I wish I could come back again to Baitullah! Me and my family again. With my husband and son this time! Aamiin 🙏

As Sweet As It Looks

So many people think that my life is always sweet and smooth all the time. Well, not so wrong, but not so true too. I live a normal life. There are ups and downs here and there. But, I try not to expose the “bad time” and grateful for the good ones. That’s why it seems smooth to some people, I guess.

My life has changed, 180° since my baby was born.

Day and night feels not much different now.
No more night to morning sleep.
No more long bath time.
No more driving.
No more me time.
No more (a[lone)ly] day.

I used to be a “solo” person for years before I got married to my husband. I did almost everything by myself. Driving, shopping, anything. And I enjoyed it, so much.

This motherhood flipped it all out. My life, my daily routine, my personality even. To a better way. But I should say also a harder way. Yes, it is.

This “double” thing is hard when it comes to a personal feeling. No matter what, I still feel tired, or boring and sad, sometime. Just like any other normal human being. Especially when I feel unbalanced.

A mother do overthinking, all the time. And that’s why I feel need to be loved more than ever before. To keep me balance. To keep me sane. To keep the stress away. Because that stress monster is somehow live so near to my head nowadays.

I don’t talk about my son here. And it’s not about motherhood (only) too. It’s about me as a personal, as a wife and a mama, all in one. It’s about process. A beautiful complicated process.

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Well, I’d be a pineapple. No matter how hard life is, it’s more the sweet than the sour after all. Allah is with me. That’s all I need as the strongest power source. Insha Allah. 💛

And, yes, my life is sweet. As sweet as it looks.

Alhamdulillah

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Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah, Ya Allah..

1:02 a.m. here in my bedroom now. Laying on my bed with my boys sleeping next to me. Lights and TV off. Only a dim light from the outside and a soft sound of AC that bring a little “life” here around me. I like it.

I have always like dark and silence, as I remember. It brings some peace to my mind and soul. That is why I used to do so much things all alone, years ago. To stay focus, and “sane”.

Nowadays, here is the way.
Steal some time in the middle of the night to catch the dark, and meet my little talker in my head to have some “chat”. Wondering this and that. About future decision and stuffs.

But what I realized just now, that I am more to opening my photo albums in my phone, remembering these days situation with my family and smiling over it, most of the time. Which means, I have not much things to think about too much now, and no need to try hard to be focus and sane, because I am happy, focus and sane enough here today? YES, I’m sure!!

Here I came to my conclusion, that this is what I needed. Allah gave me this, instead of what I ever wanted before, because this is what I needed. Alhamdulillah. I am the happiest me in my life now. Thank You, Allah. ❤

1:52 a.m.
Pillow time..

I Miss You..

I meet you everyday, sleep in the same bed every single night, text each other everytime we’re apart, still I miss you all the time.

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You know what, love? Everyday, I keep telling myself about this. About how fast the time flies, and soon enough we’ll have enough time to spend more quality time together again, you and I.

I love this parenthood life, really. And having you as the partner, make it more special to me. But then, it’s not about it. It’s not about “us today” why I’m missing you.

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I miss you, just because I MISS YOU, dear silly life partner! ❤

Happy Birthday Babylove

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May 15th 2016, at 10:42 p.m. you were born.

A year already you are now, son. As I always say, time flies too fast!
I still remember everything about the day I delivered you to this world. The very first day I hold you in my arms.

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Dear son, happy birthday. Grow up healthy, happy, positive. Robbi habli minassholihin.. Aamiin
Mama love you most!

So many things happened this month, son. The day you turned one, mama faced surprises. The goods and bads, the happy and sad. It makes me realized that it was just a start, a year of my motherhood.
I am still that newbie mama since the day you were born until today. Well, maybe a little bit better now. Just a little bit.

Dear my forever baby son, thank you for giving me so much things to learn. Thank you for always wanting me to be close to you no matter how awful I am as a mother. I’m sorry for so many mistakes I did to you. I’m sorry, baby. I love you, so much!

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The Most Painful Pain Ever

I have been sick these few months since I have my baby son. This and that, this after that. Painful, it is. But not as painful as giving birth. That was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my life. Well, I thought so. Before the new thing comes around..

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Few days ago, my baby son got sick. Started with a fever and flu the day after, until now. I can say it’s his first time, after 10 months of his life. He never get any serious ill, only sensitive skin problem which he gets from me and my husband. So, the flu now is that serious for me.

Watching my son sick is the new most painful pain ever to me now.
Yes it was hurt so bad the feeling of giving birth, but then I got my son as the payback after that. Worth hundred times more! But to watch my son sick? Worth nothing but a painful show. 💔

Syafakallah, son. Syafakallah.. Aamiin