Happy Birthday Babylove

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May 15th 2016, at 10:42 p.m. you were born.

A year already you are now, son. As I always say, time flies too fast!
I still remember everything about the day I delivered you to this world. The very first day I hold you in my arms.

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Dear son, happy birthday. Grow up healthy, happy, positive. Robbi habli minassholihin.. Aamiin
Mama love you most!

So many things happened this month, son. The day you turned one, mama faced surprises. The goods and bads, the happy and sad. It makes me realized that it was just a start, a year of my motherhood.
I am still that newbie mama since the day you were born until today. Well, maybe a little bit better now. Just a little bit.

Dear my forever baby son, thank you for giving me so much things to learn. Thank you for always wanting me to be close to you no matter how awful I am as a mother. I’m sorry for so many mistakes I did to you. I’m sorry, baby. I love you, so much!

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The Most Painful Pain Ever

I have been sick these few months since I have my baby son. This and that, this after that. Painful, it is. But not as painful as giving birth. That was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my life. Well, I thought so. Before the new thing comes around..

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Few days ago, my baby son got sick. Started with a fever and flu the day after, until now. I can say it’s his first time, after 10 months of his life. He never get any serious ill, only sensitive skin problem which he gets from me and my husband. So, the flu now is that serious for me.

Watching my son sick is the new most painful pain ever to me now.
Yes it was hurt so bad the feeling of giving birth, but then I got my son as the payback after that. Worth hundred times more! But to watch my son sick? Worth nothing but a painful show. đź’”

Syafakallah, son. Syafakallah.. Aamiin

Dear Son,

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Hi love, I miss you so much already!!
You are sleeping next to me right now, I now. But I miss you, still. my happy pill! ❤

Son,
Do you know?
Mama couldn’t sleep early everynight these days. So, if mama not that fun or good enough lately, I’m so sorry.
I can’t stop thinking about things, son.
About the time that I have left to spend with you,
About the things that will happen to you if there’s no mama anymore in your life,
About your food, your needs, your health, everything! Oh my God, Allah..
I know I’m not supposed to be scared if I really have Iman Islam. Because it’s been written since I was born, the death time of mine.
But, Allah, Astagfirullah, I’m so sorry that I am that scared now, since I have my son. I was the one who hate drama person so much, but now I become one of them. I’m sorry.

Son, be good. Well, I know you will. In shaa Allah.
Mama love you SO MUCH!!!!! You know that, right? I hope you will love me too, forever.

Dear son,
May Allah blesses our time together with love, joy and happiness till the end of time.
Aamiin..

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you,
It never takes too long.
-Gravity, Sara Bareilles

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Jakarta, from 32nd floor window of my hotel room. Cloudy afternoon, but still it is lovely for me to see the sea again. Even though just from afar.
Hi there, been a while..

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A night in Jakarta. The chaos city I love. The used to be my dream city to live a life. Here I am again, with my family now. A husband and a son. No longer the single woman who chases her dream or career in this city. No more office suit, no more solo travel. I am a packaged now. Me and my little family. Or me and my son, the least.

I miss you.. The chaotic, the traffic, the rush hour, the differences, the lights, everything. The (well known as) stressful city where I can feel peace in it. I miss you like a little girl miss her favorite ice cream. I really do..

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The One

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Ya Allah,
Only You The One I could tell the full story of my life,
Only You The One I could ask for help,
Because only You The One who sees and knows the truth of everything.
Only You who sees me true, outside and inside down deep into my heart.

Ya Allah,
I know You give me this because I can,
I know You just want me to get closer to You even more,
I know You just want me to comunicate to You better,
I know You love me, and everything that happened to me these days was the way You remind me how strong and brave I was, and still.

Ya Allah,
Thank You. I cannot see everything clear the way You do, but I know it won’t happened without your permission. I know Your plan is always better than mine.

Ya Allah,
Let me always be close to You. Help remind me again if I ever forget..

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Little Mister Life Changer

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Hi, little mister son! As usual, you are sleeping and so mama can write this blog right now.
My five months old little life changer..

Couldn’t be happier, Alhamdulillah.. Thank you Allah, for this greatest gift ever.

He changes my life. Doesn’t mean my life way easier now. No, it’s harder, heavier than ever, but he makes me stronger. He is my power.

This passed few months, bad things happened. Problems, heartbreaking moments, sickness, etc. But here I am, stand still and strong, Insha Allah. Because of my son, my happy pill.

Lately I wondered, if I don’t have my son, maybe I already gave up on so many things.
Allah is the best planner. That is why You gave me my son, so I could be strong enough to face the future, isn’t it God?

I will always be strong as long as I have you, my little mister life changer.. Insha Allah..