1:02 a.m. here in my bedroom now. Laying on my bed with my boys sleeping next to me. Lights and TV off. Only a dim light from the outside and a soft sound of AC that bring a little “life” here around me. I like it.
I have always like dark and silence, as I remember. It brings some peace to my mind and soul. That is why I used to do so much things all alone, years ago. To stay focus, and “sane”.
Nowadays, here is the way.
Steal some time in the middle of the night to catch the dark, and meet my little talker in my head to have some “chat”. Wondering this and that. About future decision and stuffs.
But what I realized just now, that I am more to opening my photo albums in my phone, remembering these days situation with my family and smiling over it, most of the time. Which means, I have not much things to think about too much now, and no need to try hard to be focus and sane, because I am happy, focus and sane enough here today? YES, I’m sure!!
Here I came to my conclusion, that this is what I needed. Allah gave me this, instead of what I ever wanted before, because this is what I needed. Alhamdulillah. I am the happiest me in my life now. Thank You, Allah. ❤
Only You The One I could tell the full story of my life,
Only You The One I could ask for help,
Because only You The One who sees and knows the truth of everything.
Only You who sees me true, outside and inside down deep into my heart.
I know You give me this because I can,
I know You just want me to get closer to You even more,
I know You just want me to comunicate to You better,
I know You love me, and everything that happened to me these days was the way You remind me how strong and brave I was, and still.
Thank You. I cannot see everything clear the way You do, but I know it won’t happened without your permission. I know Your plan is always better than mine.
Let me always be close to You. Help remind me again if I ever forget..
Hi, love! You are sleeping in your crib now, when I’m writing this post. Someday when you read it, just imagine that I’m talking beside you, okay?
Son, eight days to go and you will be four months old. You know what? To me, it still feels like just yesterday you were born. Time flies too fast as usual.
Baby son, three months already and still I did so much mistakes to you, I’m sorry. This newbie mom will try her best to treat you right, I promise. Because son, your presence in this world is the best thing that ever happened in my life. You can never imagine what you did to me these short three months. So many life changing experiences (good ones). Thank you, my dear. You are such a miracle that comes to life. ❤
My Dirran, no matter what happens in the future, please remember that mama loves you so much. Forgive your mom for always worries all the time. It’s getting bigger and bigger everyday, I know. But you must know, it’s because I love you. You are my first priority now, and forever. My number one. I will do anything to protect you. I would die for you, if I have to. As long as you are safe, healthy, happy, I would do anything for you.
Now I know, how it feels to be a soon mom to be.
Suddenly, it is okay for anyone to hurt me, but not my baby.
Suddenly, I can stand any pain that comes to me, as long as not to my baby.
Suddenly, I am willing to stay with the pain, for the sake of my baby’s happiness.
Suddenly, I lose my ego to zero.
Hopefully your life will be full of happiness, just like how I plan it to be, son.
Hi, son! You are 36 weeks old now here in my tummy, just like the doctor said tonight. You are soon to be born and meet me, right?
You know what? I miss you already!
Son, you are going to see the world pretty soon, I know. And I need you to remember one thing, that no matter how worse you feel it is outside than inside my tummy before, you will be safe as long as I’m there with you, Insha Allah. I want you to know son, that I will do anything, everything to make you happy and safe. I promise you.
But son, what if I die after I deliver you to the world, hang on! There will be so much angels around you to give you love and care. Trust me, baby. You can call them papa, aki, nenek, eyang, uwak, and so many more. I promise you, they will love you also. Because they already do ever since you’re still here in my tummy now and before. That is why I know and sure about that.
Baby, to be honest I’m scared. Having you is the most colorful feeling I have ever felt in my life. I am happy, but most of all, I’m scared that I cannot make you happy. But, I’m sure you will. You are loved, by Allah and me. And the other else I told you before.
See you in the real world pretty soon, son!
I’m sorry for everything that makes you unhappy while you are here in my tummy.
I love you so much, baby love! More than any distance in the galaxy! I love you!!
Do you know?
No matter how happy I am now, I’m happiest when I am your little girl.
Honestly, I hate being grown up.
If I could have a magic wish, I wish I could never grow up, and so you sould never grow old, then we could be together forever.
I just don’t wanna lose you, mom dad.
I cannot imagine how my life would be without you both.
Well, it would be empty, I know.
Mom, dad, I’m scared.
Your daughter might seems like a grown up woman now. But still, I’m your little girl..
I love you, dear family.
If someday someone should leave first, let me be the very first.