Something always brings me back to you,
It never takes too long.
-Gravity, Sara Bareilles
Jakarta, from 32nd floor window of my hotel room. Cloudy afternoon, but still it is lovely for me to see the sea again. Even though just from afar.
Hi there, been a while..
A night in Jakarta. The chaos city I love. The used to be my dream city to live a life. Here I am again, with my family now. A husband and a son. No longer the single woman who chases her dream or career in this city. No more office suit, no more solo travel. I am a packaged now. Me and my little family. Or me and my son, the least.
I miss you.. The chaotic, the traffic, the rush hour, the differences, the lights, everything. The (well known as) stressful city where I can feel peace in it. I miss you like a little girl miss her favorite ice cream. I really do..
Hi, love! You are sleeping in your crib now, when I’m writing this post. Someday when you read it, just imagine that I’m talking beside you, okay?
Son, eight days to go and you will be four months old. You know what? To me, it still feels like just yesterday you were born. Time flies too fast as usual.
Baby son, three months already and still I did so much mistakes to you, I’m sorry. This newbie mom will try her best to treat you right, I promise. Because son, your presence in this world is the best thing that ever happened in my life. You can never imagine what you did to me these short three months. So many life changing experiences (good ones). Thank you, my dear. You are such a miracle that comes to life. ❤
My Dirran, no matter what happens in the future, please remember that mama loves you so much. Forgive your mom for always worries all the time. It’s getting bigger and bigger everyday, I know. But you must know, it’s because I love you. You are my first priority now, and forever. My number one. I will do anything to protect you. I would die for you, if I have to. As long as you are safe, healthy, happy, I would do anything for you.
Hi, son! You are 36 weeks old now here in my tummy, just like the doctor said tonight. You are soon to be born and meet me, right?
You know what? I miss you already!
Son, you are going to see the world pretty soon, I know. And I need you to remember one thing, that no matter how worse you feel it is outside than inside my tummy before, you will be safe as long as I’m there with you, Insha Allah. I want you to know son, that I will do anything, everything to make you happy and safe. I promise you.
But son, what if I die after I deliver you to the world, hang on! There will be so much angels around you to give you love and care. Trust me, baby. You can call them papa, aki, nenek, eyang, uwak, and so many more. I promise you, they will love you also. Because they already do ever since you’re still here in my tummy now and before. That is why I know and sure about that.
Baby, to be honest I’m scared. Having you is the most colorful feeling I have ever felt in my life. I am happy, but most of all, I’m scared that I cannot make you happy. But, I’m sure you will. You are loved, by Allah and me. And the other else I told you before.
See you in the real world pretty soon, son!
I’m sorry for everything that makes you unhappy while you are here in my tummy.
I love you so much, baby love! More than any distance in the galaxy! I love you!!
Long time ago, someone ever said something like that to me… when I was so affraid to start something that I’ve ever failed before.
I miss it.
I miss when someone convincing me that I can do something I’m affraid of, with a very positive mind and cheerful voice. No matter how hard it is to convince me.
Maybe today, I always try to be positive in front all of people. Try to handle everything by my own, so people have no idea about whatever that is hard for me to do or feel.
I’m proud of my self sometimes. Maybe that’s how being an adult suppose to be. I’m just kinda missing everyone. Or at least just someone.
I am happy. I just feel a little bit incomplete.
Something is missing..
Baby, I’m affraid.. of lotta things.
My head is full, as always. Yes, it’s still.
We made it for almost ten months so far, with no break up, just some little and big fights.
It changed me quite much, our fights. I don’t like it, I want it no more in the future. We could talk, not fight. We could whisper, not shout.
We’ve made the promise. I know we could fullfil it.
Baby, this is weird.. my feeling.
I’m too affraid to expect, so I wish nothing but well.
I’m happy it’s all going really well so far, our wedding preparation. But baby, we will never know.
I’m sorry, for always be ready for the worst.
But baby, when it happened to be more than well, I’ll be the happiest of all.
Baby, don’t change.. I like it when you are so soft.
The way you talk, the way you touch, the way you see me, the way you make me feel, just like how I know you since eight years ago.
I know you’ll be a great husband of me.
I know you’ll be a great father of our children.
I know you will…
All I know, and all I learned about empathy so far since I was a kid until I got the class in university, is that when we have empathy for someone/anyone, we do something that can lift them up, because we understand how it feels to be in their situation.
Not to put ourself in the same situation. Because who will pull them up if we “jump” into the same “hole”?
Someone have to stay outside the hole, not to leave the people in the hole, but to help them get out of that freaking dark hole.
Well, CMIIW but that’s what I know.
We have empathy not to be in the same dark place and cry together over the situation.
We have empathy to help as an outcome. To be happy together as the final result.
We understand how it feels to be down, we try to help them up and share the feelings until the bad turns into the good or even the best.
I’m getting married, to the man in the photo. In three weeks. I’ll be a wife. His wife. :)
I never knew that someone’s life could change in a blink of an eye, especially mine. Until Lord changed my feeling for him like in a minute, and so everything in my life also changing in a row. I never knew, in less than a year, my brother last year could be my husband to be today. Now I know, I never knew anything before.
I never love him, even for a little, in our first seven years knowing each other (eight years ago). But he loves me since the first month we met, and never stop.
He loves me eight years already. No one ever waiting for me for seven years before. No one deserve my love more than my love for him right now.
If it was a race, he’s the winner. Maybe he’s not the fastest, but he’s the only one who finished the race.
A year ago, I thought next year (this year) my life would be pretty much the same. Driving alone, going to a coffee shop by myself, go to the cinema for one ticket, and still have no idea about who my next boyfriend is.
Boyfriend not husband, because I thought that I’ll marry a stranger, so “we” have to have few years to getting know each other well, at least.
And, last year, I still think about getting married when I’m 30. Who knows that the only person who could changed it all is the man who never could make me love him back for seven years?? Maybe if Albert Einstein still alive, he’ll knows.
He loves me. He tries everything to make me happy. He is a good fiancé now, and I know he will be a great husband of me then, and the greatest father of our future children.. Aamiin..
Please read it to my babies one day, when their Mama not anymore with them in this world.
My blog is a legacy. As I write everything based on my true story, I hope they will understand how to love their complicated Mama (in their memories), and their loving Papa especially.
No matter what, we love you, kiddos!!!! ❤